If this post is all over the place, it is because my heart is all over the place as well.
Have you ever been in a class before and the teacher hands you the review for a tests and tells you that the test will be the exact same as the review? I know I have a couple of times, and it is great. Sometimes, this happens to me...the test may be the exact same, and then I forget the material that is on the test and all my friends remember it. I studied more than all of them and they all did better than me.
Now for more of spiritual example. I am in a different place spiritually than most of the people around me. I seriously try my hardest and with all I have to resist temptation, not participate in certain things, not talk the way they talk, and I think that I do a good job. I am not out in front of the audience bowing down because I do such great job at everything I do. That is false. I actually believe that I do a decent job at it. I try to actually walk the walk, not talk the talk. I feel like put in more of an effort spiritually, just like I did in the test example, but still seem to come up short.
Here is where something that I just don't understand. I look at the mistakes that I make and think to myself, I have just spent months, growing more spiritually and more maturely than I have ever and I make one very bad decision and I feel like the worst person in the world. I look at what I do vs. what people around me do, and think, dang, that really wasn't that bad, but why is my heart absolutely broken inside and why am I sick to my stomach?
I am just beyond confused at that. It sucks. I know what I did wrong, I know what the people around me do and when it's wrong but they don't seem to be affected?
One mistake that I have made in this situation is that I compare my mistakes, my sins, and my problems, with the people around me. That is so wrong on my part. Sin is sin. It doesn't matter what the extent of it is. It's like if you told the smallest lie ever, you are still a liar. I get in a habit of prioritizing sin sometimes, it's easy to think that some sin is not as bad as other sin, but like I said, sin is sin.
I am beyond upset with myself right now. I thought I conquered the one thing that has kept me in chains, but one split second decision felt like it took me straight to rock bottom. It amazes me how one decision, can make you feel the way you feel.
I am not going to get into details about the mistake I made if you were wondering.
Maybe this is all because I am super sensitive and emotional. I just can't wrap my mind and my heart around how quickly you seem to hit rock bottom. Things can be going so well in every single area of your life and then all of a sudden, you screw up.
That is enough of my sob fest. I wasn't asking or hoping for a pity party. I just believe that some of you have felt that way before and I just wanted to tell you in a way, that you are not alone.
As I read through Psalm 1 this about a half hour ago, I noticed that I feel like the wicked one. Not the one who walks in the light.
Pslam 1:
Blessed is the one
who does not walk in step with the wicked
or stand in the way that sinners take
or sit in the company of mockers,
but whose delight is in the law of the Lord,
and who meditates on his law day and night.
That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose lead does not wither-
Not so the wicked!
They are like chaff
that the wind blows away.
Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
nor sinners in the assemble of the righteous.
For the Lord watched over the way of the righteous,
but the way of the wicked leads to destruction.
Yesterday I felt like I was the one who was blessed for not walking with the wicked, and today I feel like the wicked one who got blown away. How quickly things can change. I read my bible every single day, yet I feel like I hit the bottom.
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There is only one thing I can do and that is march on against the darkness. When things went south, I felt Satan trying to take me down even further. I felt Satan convincing me to swear, rage, kill vibes, go on rants you name it. I gave into one thing. As I was walking to the gym to workout, I felt Satan tell me that I needed to put on darkest rap music and blare it in my ears. That is exactly what I did. I immediately felt the darkness take over.
Two hours later, I get into my car to drive to a coffee shop downtown and now I am being battle tested again. Was I going to listen to some worship music or was I going to put the rap back on? I decided that I wanted to win the battle, so worship music it was!
I pulled up my music library, scrolled to the Rend Collective album, clicked shuffle, and prayed that God would give me a song. Praise the Lord He did.
That song was just what I needed and was a perfect reminder of what I should do when times are tough.
The song is called Marching On and the first lyrics I hear are:
Let our praises remind all the darkness
of how great and how mighty our God is
For the battle belongs to the Lord
And no one else.
Praise be to God!!! I was reminded that I need to praise God and remind all the darkness how great and how mighty God is. I was also reminded that the battle belongs to the Lord. This battle that I fight, that you fight, that we all fight everyday, belongs to the Lord. When you place it in his hands amazing things happen.
The rest of the lyrics are so good that I have to share them as well.
We are standing in holy defiance
We're declaring it loud in the silence
That the battle belongs to the Lord
And no one else, no one else
We'll sing Hallelujah for all Hell to hear
Shout out Hosanna above every fear
Strongholds will crumble like castles of sand
We are marching on
We're marching on
We're marching on
We're marching on
You're unstoppable kingdom advances
As we take back the ground from the darkness
The battle belongs to the Lord
And no one else
You're the banner we raise in the chaos
No, the gates of Hell won't stand against us
The battle belongs to the Lord
And no one else, no one else
We'll sing Hallelujah for all Hell to hear
Shout out Hosanna above every fear
Strongholds will crumble like castles of sand
We are marching on
We're marching on
We're marching on
We're marching on
In the chaos, the criss
The troubles, the trials
The shadows, the sorrows
The long nights, the hard fight
We are the prophets, the voice in the darkness
Declaring the battle is Yours
We'll sing Hallelujah for all Hell to hear
Shout out Hosanna above every fear
Strongholds will crumble like castles of sand
We are marching on
The battle is the Lord's. Never ever forget that.
No matter how many tears are shed, how broken your heart may feel, put it all in the hands of the Lord and trust him. Once you do that, you just have to be patient. We serve a God that likes to take his time sometimes. Place it in his hands and pray a lot.
That is the best way that I can put it. But you can't fight the battle that you are fighting alone.
Even as I type this post out...as I am reminding myself and you to let your praises remind the darkness how great and mighty God is, it's incredibly tough. I know that I screwed up so I feel like I need to take ownership and fix everything myself, but I can't do that. I can say a million words that would sound good and might help, but only God can do God things. So I am going to do the best that I can to let God do God things.
I fully trust his plan for me and my life.
I hope that you were encouraged by this post in some sort of way. I know that it encouraged even myself and that reminded of many things that I need to do and take responsibility of in a time like this.
God is so good and I am so thankful for all of the many blessings that he blesses me with every single day.
I want to remind you that you are loved!
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