My lament

"A little more than two months ago I decided to accept a job with Northwestern Mutual. There was a hurdle that I had to get over and that was passing my life and health insurance exam. Two months ago I started studying for this thing.

Everything was brand new to me, the terms, the ideas, every part about it was new. 

After three weeks of studying - I failed 

Another week of studying - I failed 

Another week of studying - I failed

Another month and a couple days of studying - I failed

0/4

I hate that. I have always been an A - B range student. I was never a perfectionist when it came to my grades. If I got an 80% I was happy with my grade. Sometimes, if the class was hard I would be happy with a 79%. 

0/4?! That is horrible. I have never been a part of a team with a record that was 0/4. In all my years of playing basketball, which is basically my whole life, there was only one time when I was a part of a team that lost four consecutive games. If you ask anyone, that is pretty remarkable. You know what sucked though? That loosing streak. It was horrible. We went two weeks without winning a basketball game and that began to put everyone on edge. 

For this ridiculously annoying test I only need a 70%. You would think that would be an easily achievable goal. SIKE! 

I don't know why I can't get this thing passed. I have put in all the time that I have in order to position myself for success. The past two weeks of studying I was getting 80% or above on every practice quiz I was taking. 

Even last night, when I sat in Martin's until 10:45 studying I got a 79% on my pratice final exam. This practice exam was just like the exam I took today. It was 160 questions and I had a little over two hours to complete it. 

I went to sleep so confident last night. I woke up feeling more confident for this test than any test I have taken before. Heck-two months of studying-I knew that I was going to ace it. 

Maybe it's a mental block? Maybe I can't actually remember everything I am studying. Am I even learning anything? 

I even watched a 10 minutes youtube video in my car before I went inside about relieving test anxiety. If anyone was watching me, I probably looked like a freak in my car because there were all of these weird tapping things I had to do. 

Even after that video - I felt a sense of relief. 

Walking into the door of Ivy Tech I had 0 doubt that I was going to fail my test. After this much preparation for something, how could anyone ever fail? 

Throughout the entire test, I couldn't stop thinking about looking at my paper and seeing the beautiful four letter word on the top of my results..."pass."

I finished my test, walked to the room, they slid me my results, I turned it over....FAIL. (66%)

You have got to be kidding me. Seriously? Am I really that dumb? Is this career for me? What else can I do? Will I ever pass this thing? Will work let me take it another time? 

Those questions were flooding my brain as I sat in my car with tears running down my cheeks. I was questioning everything. 

I took my about me about three hours and me going for a run in this weather to get ahold of myself. It took me all of that time to build of the courage to text some of my co-workers to tell them that I had failed. 

When I told them, I was blown away by their reassurance and confidence in me."

A lament is a tool that God's people use to navigate through pain and suffering. It's totally okay to lament and cry out to God when we need to. It's okay to not have it all together.

As I sat and read my bible before I wrote this post, I wasn't really encouraged by anything. I was still  down about this testing journey that I have been on. A never ending journey is what it seems like...

It's better to say how you feel and lament than to pretend and be superficial as if everything is okay. That could've been the easier route but where would the truth be in that? Why would I try to hide the way that I am feeling just to sound like I have it all together?

If we never navigated our way through pain and sorrow everybody would be fake. We are all going through something and it is better to be real, open, and honest than to hide things from people.

There is power in a lament. It's crying out to God and saying that "I cannot do this without you. I cannot live this life for anyone but you."

We desperately need GOD!

Lament. 

Don't ever be afraid to admit that you are going through something that you can't handle on your own. 

We can't do anything on our own anyways...with God all things are possible. 

Lamenting also leaves you feeling better. I feel such a sense of relief now that I got all of that off my chest and really gave it all to God. Yeah, I am still disappointed but life moves on! I will take the test again and have another opportunity to continue to grow and learn.

That is my lament to God and me telling you that my life is not even close to perfect. But I know that God is at the forefront and that is why everything will be okay.