“We were created to thrive in every season we’re planted in. Whether circumstances live up to our expectations or not, we should be finding ways to honor God through a walk of worship. Change your perspective on purpose and see this season as an opportunity of worship.”
We fall. We break. We fail. But with Jesus, We rise. We heal. We overcome.
Recently, I was asked by a friend Luke Fisher, if I wanted to be a guest blogger on his own personal blog. I was hesitant at first because I usually don’t like to talk about much that’s going on in my own life. After some thought, I decided I should do it because I knew exactly what I was going to write about. This may be long, and it may be all over the place so stay with me here. I have a lot that is going on in my life and I have a lot that has been on my mind. I thought of this as a great opportunity to share with others what God has been speaking to me and laying heavy on my heart.
I recently graduated college this past May from Bethel College (now University) in Mishawaka, IN. I had been there for the past four years playing volleyball and getting my bachelor’s in exercise science with a minor in psychology. I had an amazing experience at Bethel the past four years. I grew a tremendous amount there in my faith, my leadership, my relationships, and just life overall. I met some of the most genuine people. From my volleyball team, to my coaches, to my professors, chapel 3x a week, team bible studies, dorm bible studies, church off campus, my internship, volunteering, living in a dorm, and going to a small christian school in general… I had community everywhere that I went. I was always surrounded by people… people who cared, who had a fire for Jesus, who were intentional about their relationships, who could sit down with you any time of day and talk about faith. Sometimes I think I took all of that for granted. I’m not saying that I don’t have people like that that are in my life now, because I do. I’m just saying that there were so many people all of the time like that, that were constantly around me and with so much structure to my days and weeks. I would have class, chapel, practice, homework, study, bible study, hang out with my team or roommates and do it all over again. I mean, I was with my friends every single day doing what I loved and getting to be surrounded by people who were striving to be like Christ just as I was. Yes, there were some hard times there and it wasn’t perfect, however, I am going to miss Bethel and everything that came with it. I think those are some of the reasons why this transition moving back home for good from Bethel has been kind of tough for me. I don’t have that same community that I had at Bethel and I don’t have that many people my age around me striving for that common goal. I haven’t been home for the fall in over four years. I do love some things about being home, but it has just been weird, I guess. It really is kind of hard to say.
With that being said, I really am ready to move on to the next chapter of my life with my fiancé. In June, I got engaged to the love of my life, Ryan. He is amazing, and we have overcome a lot already in the years that we had been dating. We made it through a few break-ups early on and we made it through years of long distance. God definitely brought us back together. I am a firm believer in second chances and forgiveness and grace. We all aren’t perfect and are trying to find our way. We have been there for each other through all of our ugly hard times and I appreciate Ryan so much for putting up with me here recently cause, it has definitely been a lot lol. We are both living at home with our parents right now until we get married next May in 2020. We don’t know where we are going to be living yet and we won’t find out until December. I am currently in the process of applying to Occupational Therapy School and I won’t find out until December if I get in or not. I’m not going to lie, I am struggling with not knowing where we will be or where I will be going to school or if I even get into school and so on….. On top of applying to OT schools right now, I started my first full-time job in June here in New Castle. I am currently working as the wellness assistant in the therapy department at Stonebrooke Rehabilitation Center. I love my job right now and I look forward to going each day. It was definitely meant to be.
I have just felt so overwhelmed and have felt a tremendous amount of anxiety and stress. These past few weeks I wondered what was wrong with me and why I was feeling this way. I wasn’t myself and everyone around me could tell that something was up. I started to think, and I thought of all the change that was happening in my life and realized that it was everything built up into one big giant anxiety bubble. Graduating from college and moving back home, not playing volleyball for the first time in 16 years, starting my first full-time job, getting engaged and planning a wedding, applying to OT school, family stuff going on, getting a puppy, etc. So much change is happening and so many things are going on that sometimes I just sit there for hours not doing anything because I have so many thoughts going on inside my head that I just don’t do any of it. I know a lot of you reading this have a lot on your plate too and some people have it way worse than I do, but this is the most stressful time that I have experienced in my life so far and this is just a lot of change happening all at once. I wanted to tell my story in hopes of helping someone else maybe going through some of the same things that I am.
I don’t talk about it much, but I have been struggling with anxiety ever since my freshman year of college. It started with me feeling weird and anxious while traveling in cars and planes and getting a panic feeling…. Then it lead to big open spaces, heights, traveling in general… it eventually lead to even my volleyball games, which was awful because I used volleyball as my escape. Every time they would do the national anthem and we had to go out there on the court, I would have to sway back and forth because I had that tingling numb feeling that I may pass out. Every time that I went back to serve I got this panic feeling and it affected my serving. I remember a few games, I had that panic feeling the whole entire game. I would make it through the game and somehow manage to still play well and come out of the locker room and not even remember what happened in the game right after it was over because I was just trying to make it through the game without having a panic attack. I would just break down crying after because I absolutely hated feeling that way, especially feeling that way while playing the game that I love and that was my time to escape from everything else and focus soley on that. Thankfully, I only felt that the whole game a few times… and then finally it lead to constantly thinking about death and dying, having a panic attack because I was thinking about it too much, and now it has come to me thinking the worst that could happen and I absolutely hate it. I remember when it first started happening my freshman year. I would just cry because I didn’t know why I had that feeling. I am thankful that anxiety hasn’t taken over my life completely and doesn’t affect my day to day life to a certain extent. These past few weeks are a different story though. I would say that it has been taking over my daily life. I felt sad for no reason. I would constantly have this annoyed feeling, especially to the people closest to me. My mood swings were at an all time high. I have probably cried these past few weeks the most I have ever cried in my life. I would say I have cried just about every day. Sometimes for no reason… the tears just come out even about the smallest thing. I have been extra sensitive and thinking that people are trying to go against me. My thinking the worst and ‘what ifs’ escalated like no other. I have felt exhausted for no reason and didn’t feel like doing anything. I would get angry at the smallest things or for no reason and then it would lead to more tears. It has been affecting the people around me as well and I think that is what I hate the most because I know this isn’t me. This is anxiety and the enemy trying to take me over.
Throughout all of this anxiety and stress these past few weeks, I have felt distant from God and the people closest to me. I still have been in the word some, but not near as much as I should. No matter what I tried, I still felt anxious and worried. I still post on my Instagram about my faith because I feel that is a great way in today’s world to spread God’s word and to help others. You never know who may needed to hear that that day. It is also a great reminder for me as well. Social media can be really bad, but it can also be used for really good. It’s all about what you make of it, who you follow, and what you post. Anyways, one of the many amazingly cool things about God is that no matter how far you go from Him, he is always there waiting on you to come home to his arms. It gives me chills thinking about it. He is pursuing you daily and he wants you to do the same for Him. You will never find true and pure joy unless you are staying rooted in Christ.
We can either let change make us or break us. It’s all about how we respond to change and our circumstances that matters.
One of the main things that I wanted to discuss in this post was change. As I have been saying, a lot of change is happening right now, and it is testing me. But, the cool thing is that no matter what happens in our life, where we live, who is in our life, what we do, what job we get, God is always going to be constant. He is the one that never changes. God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He always will be. In my mind at times I have been like Where are you God or why are you letting this happen? And then I step back and think that He is right here, and he has been the whole time. I was the one who was absent, and I was the one who was letting my circumstances affect me like that. Getting away to a friend’s house this weekend was really good for me because it got my mind off of some things, and it also made me think about some things. Instead of letting my circumstances affect me like this, I need to just be thanking God for what I have and how blessed I am with the people that are in my life. I know that I can’t help my anxiety at times, but whenever I feel that way now I am just going to automatically go into prayer. “Do not be anxious about anything but give everything to God through petition and prayer.” I know that I don’t have anything to worry about because God is on my side and he brings me peace. He brings the fruits of the spirit and that it what I am striving to be. This Payton the past few weeks has not been me. I almost had a panic attack last week from crying so hard, wishing that I didn’t feel the way that I did and why I was like this and why I was being rude to the people who were just trying to love on me. I tried explaining it, but I couldn’t. it was just this knot in my stomach that wouldn’t go away.
I am done feeling that way. I am done letting my anxiety and stress get the best of me. I am done feeling distant from God. I am done being angry. I am done crying. I am done being sad. I’m not saying I won’t ever feel that way again, because I know I will. We aren’t perfect. But, I’m done letting it affect me the way it has, and I’m done letting it take part of who I am because I know that’s not me. I am ready to take on this chapter full force to the best of my ability. I am ready to be the best daughter of Christ, fiancé, sister, daughter, friend, leader, mentor, and co-worker that I can be. I know those things will still pop up in my life and that it won’t just be a quick fix and that is ok, but as my brother Janson says, it’s all about how we respond. He is so right. God never promised us an easy road. He didn’t promise there weren’t going to be any hardships. He never promised that we weren’t going to have to get out of our comfort zone. He wants us to go through those things because they bring us closer to Him. He wants us to praise him both in the storm and in the good times. He wants us to pursue Him with everything that we have in our body. He wants us to be focused on the things that are eternal, not worldly things. He wants us to overcome with his help because we can’t do it on our own.
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