Makayla Reimer: Guest Post

I reached out to Makayla yesterday after seeing a picture she posted on Instagram with a pretty in-depth caption. As soon as I saw that, I felt like God had a way to use her to encourage whoever is reading this post. I am very thankful for her honesty and sharing about some of the things that she is going through. 

All my life, I’ve usually been one who’s good with transitions in life.  At first, they can be hard and seem impossible to get used to, but in the end, I’ve always found that I make transitions and adjust to new situations in life pretty quickly.  Coming to college was no exception to this.  My first semester was great.  Sure, I missed my family, but I was also making friends, making memories, and experiencing life on my own.  I was enjoying life.  Second semester has hit and, if I’m being honest, it’s been horrible, especially when I compare it to my first semester.  I’m still making friends and enjoying the little things, but I’m also running into a lot of doubt and emotional struggles.  I feel very unwanted, unloved, and so distant from those around me. 

My senior year I struggled with these same feelings, but it was different because I had my family beside me.  I knew that my family was going to be there for me and love me no matter what.  Today, my family is eight thousand miles away from me.  They’re not even a phone call away due to the eleven-hour time difference.  Whenever I feel absolutely horrible, majority of the time it’s the middle of the night for them.  I can’t just call them and talk to them about my struggles.  Having them so far away has made this semester really hard as I deal with conflict, rejection, and loneliness.

This second semester has been a season of feeling very alone.  I’m surrounded by so many people here at college, but I can’t seem to find many who will support me, love me, and encourage me in ways that I need it.  This is not to say I don’t have anyone who will do that for me.  I have a wonderful mentor who encourages and uplifts me every week, and I have some incredible friends who know that when I feel down, I just need to sit in their silence, go on a walk to clear my mind, or just be with them and talk through things.  I do have people here for me, but it still doesn’t mean I don’t feel alone in life right now.

I am probably the biggest extrovert I know.  I love to be with people.  I was telling my mom the other day that alone time is actually terrible for me.  My “alone time” consists of sitting in a public place by myself but still surrounded by so many people.  If I’m in a public place that means I can still possibly see people I know and talk to them if I need a break from whatever I’m working on.  Sometimes, I’ll even talk to people I barely know if I don’t have a chance to see people I know.  So, as you can imagine, this feeling of loneliness has been awful for me.

But as I’ve gone through this season, I’ve learned so much about myself.  I used to think that because I was so extroverted, I was hard to get along with or spend long periods of time with.  I thought people didn’t really enjoy being with me because of my personality was overwhelming, but my mentor reminded me that I have a huge love for people and that is not something to feel bad about.  I’ve had to learn to stop caring about what people think of me.  This is hard because I do thrive off of people and if I feel that certain people are upset with me, I tend to tone down my personality.  I become quieter, I say less around those people, and I become less like my happy, bubbly self.  But caring deeply about people is a strength I’ve learned I have.  Caring about what others think of me and only thinking people has negative thoughts about me, is a weakness I have.  I’m slowly overcoming it.  I know it is going to take time, but I know that the more I give this weakness up to God and work on a positive image of myself, the more I’ll start to believe it.

The biggest thing I’ve learned is that God loves me no matter what.  Even if everyone I know thinks I’m the worst or super annoying, or I have absolutely no one to show me the love I need, God has that love.  God loves me more than anyone else has, can, and ever will.  I have learned that I just need to keep living my life the way He has created me to live because His opinion and image of me, is far more important than whatever anyone else thinks of me.  I have always known that my value is in Christ.  But this season has reminded me that the love I receive, and the value and joy I have in life are only brought to me by Jesus.  I have been reminded that only Jesus will give me true joy in life.

As I finish out this semester, I know it’s still going to be hard.  I know that sometimes life is just going to be terrible.  I’m still going to have those feelings of loneliness, being unwanted, or unloved.  But when I think about the love God, the Creator of the world, has for me, or what His plan for my life is, I am brought unexplainable joy.  I may not be brought happiness, but I can still find joy even when I’m feeling down.

“I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.” John 15:11